Kindness with Boundaries: How to Be Kind… of a Badass
A friend recently gave me a necklace that says Be Kind… of a Badass. She knew exactly what she was doing. She’s seen both sides of me: the one who can stand strong and firm, and the one who sometimes leans too heavily into kindness, even to my own detriment.
That necklace has become a daily reminder of my own duality. The truth is, I feel most alive when I hold both. When I allow myself to be kind and strong, compassionate and clear. Not one or the other, but both.
This “bothness” is something I’m exploring in my upcoming book, the ability to be this and that, not squeezed into one role. Because real growth happens when we stop forcing ourselves into a single identity and start allowing the fullness of who we are.
What follows are practical tools I’ve used and taught to balance the two. Each one has two sides: the kind and the badass. Together, they create boundaries that keep you present, powerful, and free.
1. Quick Scripts for Saying No
Sometimes the hardest part of boundaries is finding the words. Here’s how I approach it:
Kind Side: “Thank you for thinking of me - I can’t take that on right now.”
Badass Side: Short. Direct. Period. No apology.
When you practice these one-liners, you realise that a boundary doesn’t need 15 sentences of justification. It just needs clarity.
2. Time, Physical, and Private Boundaries
Boundaries come in different shapes. The art is knowing when to lean into softness and when to stand firm.
Time boundaries
Kind: I block off downtime so I can show up fully for others.
Badass: I treat that time like a meeting with a CEO - it’s non-negotiable.
Physical boundaries
Kind: I listen to my body when it needs rest.
Badass: I say no to physical contact I don’t want, without guilt.
Private spaces
Kind: I create a “reset zone” - a chair, a corner, headphones.
Badass: I defend that space fiercely, even if someone pushes back.
3. The Energy Audit
Once a week, I check in with myself:
What drained me?
What restored me?
Where did I overextend?
Where did I hold my line well?
Kind Side: I notice these patterns because I want to give from a full cup.
Badass Side: I cut what consistently drains me, even if it disappoints someone else.
4. The Happy Hour Reframe
I used to say yes to every invitation. Now I ask: will this restore me?
Kind Side: I choose social time that truly fills me up.
Badass Side: I walk away when I’m done - no guilt, no explanation.
Happy hours are sacred, whether that’s drinks with friends or a solo bath with candles. Both count.
5. Upgrade Your Yes
Every no creates space for a better yes. Before I agree to something, I pause.
Kind Side: I say yes to what aligns with my values.
Badass Side: I refuse guilty yeses that only drain me.
That’s the duality: soft heart, strong backbone.
6. Mini Mindful Practices for Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. Small daily resets make a big difference:
Breath pause
Kind: I inhale to stay present.
Badass: I exhale to anchor clarity before responding.
Mantra
Kind: “Clear is kind.”
Badass: “…and clear is non-negotiable.”
Circle of light
Kind: I picture who I want inside today.
Badass: I keep out what doesn’t belong, even if it asks loudly.
7. Real-Life Boundary Moves
A few examples from life:
Work: A colleague asks me to stay late.
Kind: “Not tonight. I’ll be sharper tomorrow.”
Badass: I leave on time without second-guessing.
Family: A family member presses for details.
Kind: “I’d rather keep that private.”
Badass: I don’t flinch when the silence stretches.
Social: A friend invites me out when I’m tired.
Kind: “I’d love to, but I’m wiped. Next week?”
Badass: I don’t override my body just to avoid FOMO.
8. The Ripple Effect of Boundaries
Your boundaries ripple outward:
Kind Side: My family, colleagues, and friends feel respected.
Badass Side: They also learn to respect themselves.
Every time you hold a line with kindness, you give others permission to do the same.
9. The Nervous System Connection
It’s almost impossible to set boundaries when your body is in fight-or-flight. That’s not weakness, it’s biology.
Kind Side: I reset by dropping my shoulders, breathing slowly, or placing my hand on my chest.
Badass Side: Once I’m regulated, I deliver my boundary calmly and firmly.
Kindness calms the body. Badass clarity delivers the message.
10. When Boundaries Deepen Kindness
With boundaries:
Kind Side: I have more energy to give.
Badass Side: I protect my limits, so I never give from resentment.
This is the paradox: boundaries don’t reduce kindness. They make it deeper, more sustainable.
11. Boundary Myths That Keep You Stuck
Three myths I’ve had to unlearn:
“Boundaries push people away.”
Kind truth: They actually keep relationships healthier.
“If I were stronger, I wouldn’t need them.”
Badass truth: Strength is knowing your edges.
“Kind people don’t say no.”
The real truth: The kindest people say the clearest no’s.
12. The 5-Second Reset Rule
When I’m under pressure, I use this rule:
Pause for 5 seconds.
Take one slow breath.
Ask: Do I want this, or am I avoiding guilt?
Answer simply.
Kind Side: The pause gives me presence.
Badass Side: The pause gives me power.
13. Case Studies: Boundaries in Action
Work: Sofia used to answer emails at all hours. She set a time boundary: no email after 6pm.
Kind: She gave her team her best energy during working hours.
Badass: She modelled a healthier culture, and others followed.
Family: James stopped fighting with his brother by repeating: “I’m not available for that topic.”
Kind: He stayed connected without inflaming conflict.
Badass: He ended years of circular arguments.
Social: Nina reframed her Fridays. Sometimes happy hour is wine with friends; other times it’s reading alone.
Kind: She nurtures connection when it feels good.
Badass: She refuses guilt when she chooses solitude.
14. The Boundary Ladder
Boundaries are a skill. Like any skill, they grow in stages:
Noticing – Kind: I notice resentment building.
Naming – Badass: I identify what’s missing (time, physical, private space).
Practising – Kind: I test small scripts in safe spaces.
Holding – Badass: I stay consistent, even if people resist.
Refining – Both: I adjust as my life evolves.
15. Research + Mindfulness Tie-In
The science backs this up:
Compassion fatigue hits caregivers who lack boundaries.
Assertiveness training has been shown to reduce stress and improve relationships.
Neuroscience shows a regulated nervous system leads to clearer decision-making.
Mindfulness grounds the science. Pausing, breathing, observing, then acting.
Kind Side: I notice without judgment.
Badass Side: I act with clarity.
FAQs: Practical Moves for Kindness with Boundaries
1. How do I hold a boundary without overexplaining?
Kind: “I can’t take this on right now.”
Badass: Stop talking. Let silence do the work.
2. How do I keep time boundaries when work expects overtime?
Kind: “I’ll pick this up tomorrow.”
Badass: Close the laptop. Leave. Model a new normal.
3. What’s a quick family boundary?
Kind: “I hear you.”
Badass: “…and I’m not available for that topic.”
4. How do I protect private spaces without guilt?
Kind: Call it your reset zone.
Badass: Say, “This is my reset time. I’ll join you after.”
5. How do I reframe social time?
Kind: Choose happy hours that restore you.
Badass: Say no to the ones that don’t.
6. What’s one daily practice to build boundary strength?
Kind: Journal: “Today I honoured myself by saying no to…”
Badass: Review it weekly. Adjust accordingly.
7. How do I stay kind while being assertive?
Kind: Start with appreciation.
Badass: End with clarity.
8. Can boundaries change over time?
Kind: Yes, because your needs evolve.
Badass: Review them regularly and reset where needed.
9. What’s the difference between emotional and physical boundaries?
Emotional = protecting your feelings.
Physical = protecting your body and space.
10. How do I start if boundaries feel overwhelming?
Kind: Start with one safe, low-stakes no.
Badass: Climb the Boundary Ladder step by step.
Conclusion
Kindness is powerful. Boundaries are powerful. But together, they’re unstoppable.
Every no creates space for a better yes. Every line you hold makes your compassion more sustainable.
That’s not weakness. That’s badass.
So take the reminder I wear daily around my neck: be kind… of a badass. Because you were never meant to choose between them.
Want More?
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🎧 Listen to the Be Kind… of a Badass playlist I created to set the mood.